photo credit: Italian Girl Leaning On Her Hand (1870 – 1873), Ida Silfverberg (1834 – 1899). Public domain.
Steve Jobs said, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully.”
Jobs understood the difference between good and great opportunities comes down to choosing where to spend your attention. The art of focus means eliminating anything which is not the one thing you’ve said yes to.
No is a perpetually misunderstood answer. Some fear offending people with it; others can’t bear to hear the syllable. We fear disappointing people; “What if they mistake our declining an offer as passing judgment on them?”. But this is unreasonable and emotional. No is simply how we navigate options. Saying no is how we protect our most valuable resources; it’s how we create time for our priorities. Saying no is how we signal and maintain boundaries.
No Protects Time
Life is about quality, not quantity. It’s less about making every possible option fit and instead finding the few things we prize, and spending our best time pursuing them. Saying no is how we create and protect our limited time.
Not only does saying no create time, saying no early can save still more time. Consider Paulo Coehlo’s sage advice, “Don’t say maybe if you want to say no.” Saying no is less complicated than initially saying yes or maybe and having to beg out of the commitment later. If you’re not interested or available, simply decline. Kicking the question down the road only delays the uncomfortable, and costs you more time agonizing over the decision.
No is leverage. One yes is a no to a thousand other options. Save your yes for the truly rare and amazing opportunities. Saying no separates the best from the merely possible. Saying no to abundant good opportunities creates space for you to pursue the few amazing opportunities. To echo Steve Jobs, we must choose our yeses carefully because they deserve our best time and attention.
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are not selfish. They are necessary to protect your energy, resources, time, and ability to accomplish your duties and goals. Boundaries allow you to get work done. You should not feel guilty for having boundaries; they exist for your own protection and health. In saying no and setting boundaries, you set limits on your own time and availability, protect your limited energy and attention, and show respect for your own time, as well as others’ time.
If you don’t set limits on your time and attention, others will claim your time and attention for themselves. This isn’t to say people have ill intentions, but everyone is so busy, they often ask others to take care of things they should handle themselves. If you take on these requests and refuse to ever say no, you wind up taking on too much and resent those making the requests.
For example: think about a person you know, you or someone else, who never seems to have quite enough time in the day. This person is always running twenty minutes late. They constantly ask other people to take care of things they should, but don’t have time to do. They don’t stay still long enough to accomplish much of anything, because they are always setting off toward the next commitment. This person doesn’t have dedicated time for family or friends because they are always saying yes to anything that pops up. No request or favor is too grand or intrusive. They complain they don’t have time, space, or resources for the things they’ve committed to, but the stress doesn’t keep them from saying yes to anything asked of them. This is a person with no boundaries. The only way this person will say no is when they are forced to stop (ie, burnout) and the decision is made for them.
You can’t afford to be this person. You can not afford to lose your time, relationships, mental energy, patience, or even perhaps your job. Instead of waiting to hit the inevitable wall, create boundaries around your time and attention.
On Disappointing People
Saying no is often fraught with fears of offending or disappointing others. We feel as though not accepting an invitation or doing a requested favor is a summary rejection of the person, instead of the individual decline of a single request. We juggle our responsibilities to avoid disappointing them; we may even feel as though disappointing others reflects poorly on us or makes us less of a friend. This is to misunderstand the nature of responsibility, though. Your value does not depend on how happy you make those around you. Your worth is not dependent on how agreeable you are.
At some point, in protecting your relationships, family, and sanity, you will disappoint people. This is an inconvenient fact of life. Letting someone’s disappointment derail your responsibility does good for no one. Taking care of yourself is your responsibility. You alone can decide which opportunities or requests you want to honor, where to direct your attention. Sometimes the price of taking care of your priorities is disappointing other people.
Most often, people will respect getting a clear and prompt answer, which allows them to get on with their plans. It’s also worth mentioning that our agonizing and wrestling with how to say no is without cause. People aren’t quite as fragile and preoccupied with our answers as we worry they are. They’re concerned with their own plans and options to decline.
Those who practice the skill of saying no are those who maintain their own priorities and relationships. Save your yeses for the truly important and exciting opportunities. Eliminate anything nonessential and go deeper with what matters.
