“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.”
– Steve Jobs
Saying no is a skill imperative to navigating life well. Saying yes creates obligations for your future self. Saying no leaves time and opportunity to focus on what matters.
What do I mean by “saying no”? While I’m specifically thinking here about declining invitations, meetings, interviews, parties, or distractions; this skill can apply to anything that is not a priority or you simply aren’t interested in.
Most of us don’t say no because we don’t want to be perceived as rude or lazy. Other times, we don’t know how to politely decline something. Today, we will address these concerns, talk about elements to a response, and look at reasons to decline or accept opportunities.
Saying no is not rude or out of the ordinary
We fill time automatically. If someone asks us whether we’re free next week, and we see an empty calendar, we typically say yes. Our habit is to fill up time. Scheduling free time or time to rest isn’t something we’re accustomed to and it results in us being stressed, overextended, and resentful. We accomplish less than we could if we employed focus.
To paraphrase a truism, you don’t have to attend every (event or project) you’re invited to. Many times we agree to meetings or other activities out of a sense of obligation. There is a difference between doing your best and doing things because you think you have no choice. Yet again, this is an area where having a list of priorities handy (in say, a journal) to reference and navigate is helpful. Just as the sabbatical is designed to schedule rest into your normal routine, saying “no” is the tool we use to carve out that space.
However, telling someone no causes most of us to panic. Turning down an opportunity or meeting is not a rejection of the person. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people. Nor is it a blanket rejection of all future opportunities. It simply means you won’t be attending whatever you were invited to.
We are afraid that if we say no, the person will think we are rejecting them, or coming across as harsh. Have you ever thought that by saying no to a meeting the person who offered would think you were strange or standoffish? Psychologists refer to this as a “harshness bias,” which is the tendency to think others will judge us much more harshly than they actually do. We are afraid of being interpreted this way ourselves, yet we know that when someone doesn’t take us up on an offer, it’s not because they are personally rejecting us. They simply aren’t available for whatever reason.
It can be especially difficult to decline invitations from those we are closest to. This is one situation where being honest and direct about your reasons can help them to understand you better. Instead of saying you don’t have time or you aren’t interested, be honest with them that you have your priorities set for a time-frame and that opportunity doesn’t fit in. Or that you’ve already spent too many nights out and you’ll be staying home for the next few weeks. Or that you’re taking a class and don’t have the time to spare. Or that you simply don’t want to go out. This creates a profile and expectation for them to act on and they will learn to not offer opportunities that don’t line up with your values. Give them some sort of takeaway and they will learn more about you and not invite you to things you aren’t interested in attending to begin with.
Understanding that we are probably more worried about saying no than the person is about hearing it, we simply need to form an appropriate response.
Why and how to decline graciously
No is how you protect your time. You can not possibly do everything you are presented with the opportunity for, and you certainly can’t do them all well. Saying no allows you to choose where to use your time and energy. Rather than thinking of no as the end of the road, look at it as a curve to negotiate. On the road of life, you are moving forward pursuing your goals. An opportunity comes up about which you are not excited, nor does it do anything to help or improve you. You negotiate the curve, and continue toward the prize.
No is not a bad word. No is a valid, acceptable response. If you don’t have the time to do something, no is an acceptable answer. If you simply don’t want to do something you’ve been invited to, no is an acceptable answer.
We all want to help other people. The issue is that we all have a limited amount of time, energy, and resources. We have to choose how and where to spend them. “No” is how we navigate that process.
Building a response
Saying no is a skill which will become easier with practice and a plan. You don’t need to apologize, unless of course, you are canceling something to which you had agreed before. The two sentiments to express when declining are your appreciation of the offer, and that you must decline. You don’t necessarily have to give a reason, either, though we tend to end up doing so.
Some tips:
- Do not ignore the request.
Being able to clearly and politely decline is a mark of a professional. Ignoring a request is a mark of unreliability. - Do not apologize for not saying yes.
- Do not offer another option unless you actually want to commit to this activity. Don’t offer to meet at a different time if you don’t want to meet at all.
- Saying no is not a judgment; it is how you maintain margin in your life.
- Do be clear in declining. Make sure they know you are saying no, and not just putting off the request.
In Tim Ferriss’ book Tribe of Mentors, the author includes several letters politely declining his interview request. All were thoughtfully written, and expressed regret for not being available to give the interview the appropriate attention.
I noticed a few themes:
- They were all direct. They didn’t leave room for ambiguity, and they did not kick the can down the road, saying maybe another time.
- While some did apologize for not being available, no one apologized for saying no.
- All expressed gratitude for the invitation and thought.
Putting these themes together, here is a great example of a declining letter.
Hi,
I appreciate your kind offer to be on your podcast. I thought your recent episode on sleep was fascinating. Unfortunately, I am unable to accept interview requests at this time in order to focus on writing my book. Thanks for thinking of me, and hopefully in the future we can make an interview work.
Best,
Another example:
Hi,
Thank you for the interview request. This year, I am focusing on spending time with my family loved ones, which means I’ll have to decline your request. I wish you all the success, and can’t wait to read the book when it’s out.
Thanks,
Build the habit of protecting your time and energy.
The average person sees over five thousand advertisements every day. In addition, we all make thousands of choices daily about emails to return, tasks to complete, what to wear, what to eat, errands to run, which show to watch, etc. We are inundated with decisions. Every choice you make over the course of a day requires energy, and that energy is depleted by evening’s arrival. As we’ve previously discussed, creating an environment where these choices are nearly friction-less is an important key to building habits.
The way to protect your time and energy is saying no to things which don’t move you forward or improve you in some way.
“Be as generous as you can, but selfish enough to get your work done.”
– Austin Kleon, Steal Like an Artist
I do not mean that you should only do things if “there’s something in it for you.” We each have all sorts of ambiguous opportunities to attend a symphony or concert performance, go to dinner with friends, an informal evening chatting with loved ones, volunteer, or watch a sporting event. Any or all of these could be refreshing and relaxing, allowing you time with people important to you or helping others. However, these same outlets become burdens when we don’t give ourselves any time to recharge. It’s all about having margin and only saying yes to the things which excite or improve you. It is okay to say no if you want to, and you don’t have to justify it to anyone.
Building margin into your life ensures you have the time and energy for the things which are important to you. This means scheduling time to do nothing. Different than simply not scheduling something, this is time marked off for you to do whatever appeals at the moment. Take a nap, read, journal, watch a documentary, go for a walk; set aside time for restful activities. Take your kids out for ice cream. Do something you enjoy, which has no obligations linked to it.
In order to do great work; be a great friend, spouse, and parent; take care of yourself and others, we have to say no to things which don’t check those boxes. One way to make this process easier is to set your limits and values for a year or six months in advance. If you want to set aside time for hobbies or learning or even just to take a step back and rest a bit, you’ll eventually have to decline invitations to meetings, dinners, celebrations, or similar activities. As you become more efficient and productive, you will be asked to take on more opportunities or projects. Planning in advance and establishing a practice of margin will keep you moving towards those goals every step of the journey.
“But I can’t say no, it’s my job.”
This continues to be repeated in every age range and industry imaginable, yet it is very rarely accurate. Somewhere down the corporate managerial line, we’ve bought the lie that every request from someone else becomes our next priority, with no exceptions. This is simply not true. First, if it’s a morally gray area, obviously say no; this should go without saying, but unfortunately, these kinds of requests continue to be made.
Further, if you can not add another project, responsibility, or deadline to your plate, it is your job to communicate that. Managers and owners want things done well and right. Sometimes, they don’t understand the amount of work it takes to make those things happen, and other times, they aren’t aware of what you are actually working on. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t push to better yourself. The bottom line is that taking on too many projects at work guarantees none of them get done well.
Understand your limits, work to improve yourself, and produce great things.
I’ve also met people who think that you should never say no or decline any offer because you don’t know where that chance could lead. While optimism is an important trait, this is no way to make decisions around your time, opportunities, or values. There is always a possibility, but is there a demonstrable opportunity? The simplest explanation is often the correct explanation; if you don’t see the project opening doors or accomplishing some sort of goal, your best option is to decline and wait for a different project.
When, then, do I say yes?
Accepting should be reserved for those opportunities which excite you, line up with your values, and move you closer to your goals.
- Does the opportunity seem like a chance to grow, or a restriction on your possibilities? Does it pull me forward, or hold me back?
- Does this opportunity give me the chance to demonstrate what I value?
- How will this accomplish a goal, or position me to do so?
This third question forces us to examine ourselves closely, and make a choice between movement and action. Movement is doing something for the sake of being busy. Action is a focused effort to move in a deliberate direction. Say no until you are presented with an opportunity that takes action.
An excellent question to ask yourself is, “If I had to do this today, would I accept?”
You are the only person who can answer those questions. Your yes and no have important implications for where your time and energy go.
Say no to a thousand lesser things so that you can go all in on the projects which matter most to you.
